It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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