turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
