you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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