I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
