haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
