I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
