She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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