What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize