The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
