put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Barsexuality is the new black.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
