nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
