ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
