??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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