Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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