Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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