I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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