is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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