Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
