party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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