I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
