I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
