i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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