if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
