i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
