im drinking this country out of the recession.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
