I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just had sex on a roof
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
