Just fell off a train. Bad.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
