i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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