i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
