I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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