My room smells like vodka and shame
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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