Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
