you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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