don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
