i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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