today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
