My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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