I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
