I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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