dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
BRING THE BAGELS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
