so explain again why im purple
no
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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