he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
