yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
