please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
