A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
