Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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