no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
