dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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