I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
