This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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